The weekly events that occur in the Front Bar of The Resources Roadhouse never cease to amaze…
Well, we returned to The Roadhouse after the break to find that nothing had changed in our absence.
One has to wonder what is considered more important – Cricket Australia making lots of money taking touring test teams up and down the eastern seaboard, or the health and well-being of the nation.
Or, for that matter, should Tennis Australia and its entourage of financially-struggling tennis players be flown in from an overseas destination rife with the latest mutation of the covid virus (Dubai – I’m looking at you), or should they take the hit and say, maybe not this year folks.
spare a thought for Anthony Albanese, who wandered in mid-week.
Never one for small talk, Albo made a bee-line for his favourite stool, opened up his note pad (old-style) and began jotting down his thoughts.
As he sat, we noticed he rocked back and forth in a rather hypnotic, rhythmic manner while repeating a low incantation of, ‘if not me then who; if not me then who;’, over and over.
Day One of The 2021 RIU Explorers Conference was as busy as one may have expected, especially given the timing of the conference coincided with WA’s COVID-related lockdown easing into a statewide reopening.
It was of no surprise for anybody when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle sauntered through our front door this week.
In fact, it was they who seemed to be most surprised when seeing beleaguered attorney general Christian Porter.
Demonstrating he does believe some of the news printed in the mainstream media, Prince Harry gently guided his wife to another booth situated way over on the opposite side of the room.
Here at The Roadhouse we are beginning to wonder why PM Scott Morrison so often takes refuge within the confines of our front bar, especially since he rarely takes any opportunity offered to him to take a stroll around the gardens of Parliament House.
Being that as it may, there he was again this week, and, you guessed it, he found himself in yet another Branston of a Pickle.
Having washed down a full Roadhouse breakfast with a cup of Maxwell House, our protagonist went to leave the front bar via the front door when he noticed a throng of angry women marching in our direction.
We hadn’t informed Mr Morrison that the Women’s March participants had been offered refreshments and a post-march function to be held in The Lang Hancock Room.
Quick as a wink, he sought sanctuary by way of exiting through the rear door, but alas, once again his plans were foiled with the car park filled to the gills with folk who had registered for their COVID vaccine shots that had, at that stage, yet to arrive.
‘Free muffins and coffee in the back room’, he yelled, creating enough of a diversion for him to leap into a waiting big, black car to whisk him away to the asylum of his Prime Ministerial Chambers.
Although it was not a surprise to see PM Scott Morrison saunter into the front bar of The Roadhouse this week, it was surprising to see him accompanied by a bask of crocodiles.
Fortunately, they were all on leashes and wearing muzzles, however, their presence did unsettle a few of the locals.
Asked why he was escorting such a cluster, he responded that the said reptiles belonged to a local circus that considered him the best qualified person in the land to teach them how to cry on command.
There was an awkward moment in The Roadhouse this week as Leader of the Opposition (Federal) Anthony Albanese propped up at the front bar and we made the error of asking him what was on his mind as he stared wistfully at the beer we had poured him rather than drink it.
Why don’t you ever write about me?
A pause of Pinteresque proportions ensued as our regular punters all shuffled their collective feet and moved to gain the best view out the main window to the car park.
In the end we just had to be blunt and inform our intrepid potential PM that if he wants to be noticed, he really needs to get out and do a bit more.
There was a rush excitement at The Roadhouse this week when the Front Bar was suddenly filled by a passing group of around 50 strangers.
When we asked them to identify themselves, a spokesperson said they were all unofficially unemployed persons, sent by Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg to hide from official number counters.
Without warning the front door swung open again as another of the company burst in telling them all to, ‘look busy!’
As one they began a cleaning frenzy in the Front Bar of The Roadhouse as in came Federal Opposition Leader, Anthony Albanese.
‘Are there any unemployed people here today?’, he questioned the group.
With no response in the affirmative forthcoming, Albo expressed his frustration at not being able to locate the unemployed numbers he seeks, adding that he knows the Treasurer is hiding them somewhere he just can’t find where.
It will be of no surprise to anybody that things have been fairly quiet in The Roadhouse this week.
That is to be expected after all with the majority of major centres locked down and the ability of people far and wide to travel the same severely curtailed.
Thankfully, there is one constant in the universe, and his name is Barnaby.
With media outlets obsessing over who is at fault regarding all the lockdowns and their political targets all maintaining low profiles, the Member for New England and Deputy Prime Minister of our nation once again provided the week’s highlight.
We doubt the $200 fine placed a massive strain on his financial status, but it did keep him in the news.
Could it have been a deliberate set-up that we all fell for? No, not even Barnaby would stoop that low…
We’re not certain if he has his own key to The Roadhouse these days, or whether somebody left the door open, but we came down to the Front Bar this morning to find PM Scomo holding an urgent presser.
It came to light that in the aftermath of events overnight our man immediately put into development and implementation a critical new four phase plan.
With Australia’s current best asset – in any field, Ash Barty winning her way through to the Wimbledon singles final, Scomo is desperate to get to the All England Tennis Club in time to crash what could be a historic photo opportunity.
Phase one of his new plan is to fire up Mathias Cormann’s private job interview jet and fly out asap.
Phase two will be to find a scalper willing to sell him a ticket to said final, perhaps his mate Boris Johnson can help out there.
Phase three depends on the result of the match, however, should our Ash win, Scomo will determinedly strongarm his way into the dressing rooms for post-match snaps.
Phase four – again dependant on the result: will see Ash Barty whisked home on the Cormann plane to front the media on the tennis court in the back yard of The Lodge where Scomo will hit a few balls with her.
There was a subdued celebration in The Roadhouse this week as we acknowledged the efforts of the Queensland government in landing the 2032 Olympic Games for the city of Brisbane.
The time frame is important, as it coincides with federal government climate change policies and could also, quite possibly the way things are going, be the time the country, and the world, emerges from the dark ages of the covid-19 pandemic.
It is around this time global car manufacturers are predicting to be rolling more electric vehicles than those with internal combustion engines of the assembly line and we figure this will provide Queensland the perfect opportunity to introduce a new podium celebration to the Games.
Gold, silver, and bronze medals should, at this time, be replaced by metals that, in the future, will most likely be considered more valuable due to their contribution to the coming electric vehicle craze.
Therefore, we propose those standing on the winners’ dais should be awarded medals of nickel, lithium, and zinc for first, second, and third respectively.
The Roadhouse was the site for a medical breakthrough announcement this week when a respected virologist (who wishes to remain anonymous for now) announced the development of a new vaccine.
The back slapping was immediate with regular punters rolling their sleeves up to be jabbed in defence of whichever latest covid-19 strain may be doing the rounds.
Our scientific chum quickly deflated the collective hopes of those in attendance when she explained the new vaccine she had developed was for the prevention of stupidity in political policy making and that it had also been proven to prevent the general public from making similar faux pas.
Sleeves were rapidly rolled down as enthusiastic jabbers altered their views and jumped aboard the ‘not in my arm you don’t’ bandwagon.
We received a surprise visitor to The Roadhouse earlier this week in the recognisable shape of Federal Minister for Employment, Skills, Small and Family Business, Senator Michaelia Cash.
Stepping off the ferry ride across the river Styx from her home constituency, Ms Cash tipped the ferryman and walked her diabolic, two-headed dog across the car park, tying it up out the front.
‘Sit Clive! Sit Craig!’, she barked at the bi-craniumed hound from hell, then sashayed inside to watch the live streamlining of the National Cabinet meeting on the Front Bar Big Screen.
She ordered a takeaway box of pies, which she said would keep the beast quiet on the ferry trip home.
We snuck into the Lang Hancock Room this week to watch final rehearsals for The Roadhouse Players’ upcoming production, a revamping of the popular French Farce television series, ‘Allo, ‘Allo.
The show revolves around bumbling café owner Rene, played by PM Scott Morrison, who’s recent credits include ‘That Feller from Downunder’.
The plot entails Rene smuggling secret submarine blueprints from France to Australia with assistance from British PM Boris Johnson (played by Barnaby Joyce), and US President Joe Biden (Josh Frydenberg).
Of course, Rene is distracted by the sexy waitresses, two surprisingly convincing performances from Marise Payne and Michaelia Cash.
Alas, somebody always misses out and this time it is former company heart-throb Christian Porter, who was more than keen to land the role of the comical policeman, which on this occasion fell into the very capable hands of Peter Dutton.
Porter cut a forlorn figure in the Front Bar, sitting at a booth watching his breakfast order of croque monsieur and le chocolat chaud slowly become cold and unpalatable.
We experienced an unusual phenomenon in The Roadhouse this week, something that we haven’t had to share for quite some time.
There wasn’t much fanfare involved, none to speak of at all actually, it was just what most of us would normally consider to be a daily occurrence, even weekly, but had for reasons unknown become an occasion as rare as proverbial lady chicken dentures.
It happened after Prime Minister ScoMo had gone through his usual performance of pamphlet waving and making declarations that others would analyse later for snippets of truth or porkies.
To the surprise of everybody present, Opposition Leader Albo stood up cleared his throat and said something.
Not just anything, but something that was in actual response to events of the present time.
Nobody was sure why he did it. Maybe to mark the start of some form of campaign, or maybe just to remind his team and party faithful that he was still around and, for now, in the big chair.
It all happens at The Roadhouse.
Wishing all our loyal regulars a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year.